FIVE!

My darling birthday girl,

You've been waiting for this day for a very, very long time.  And here it is, and it's looking nothing like we thought it would because you're sick.  :(    Your very high fever last night scared me a bit (103.9--it's never been that high in the five years I've been your Mommy!), but even with a high fever, you're a happy girl.  I'm thankful for that.  I'm sad that you won't get to have your big jungle party that you were hoping for today, but I still had fun making your jungle cake, and I know you'll be just as enthusiastic about eating it with just us as you would've been at your party. 

I usually write a long letter to you about what you're up to, how much you mean to me, and so forth, but this year my heart is so full of emotions that I can't even put it all into words, and when I try, I start crying.  You're five, and I feel like we're entering a new chapter, which I'm excited about, but also kind of dreading.  I'm terrified for you to go to public school in the fall...for you to enter the world.  I question myself all the time.....did I prepare you enough?  Are you grounded enough?  Are you confident enough that you're not going to spend your life trying to get the approval of others instead of being the wonderful you that you're becoming?  So many questions.  I don't want this world to change you, and I'm afraid that it will. 

One thing that's already changed you a bit is the birth of your little sister this year.  It's been a year of adjustment for all of us, adding Rebecca to our family, but especially for you, as you've had to learn to cope with not having Mommy's undivided attention.  It's been difficult at times, and unfortunately I think you've struggled with seeking even negative attention sometimes, in order to get my eyes on you, but overall I think you've adjusted well to becoming a big sister.  You're a big help to Mommy, Rebecca adores you, and just one word from you can cheer her up in an instant!  Even though you're 4 years older than she is, I hope that you'll always be close sisters and good friends.

You're the apple of my eye, Rachel, and I just love watching you live each day full of zest!  You're so excited about everything, which is such a joy to see.  I hope that the little things will always thrill you, that you'll always feel free to talk to anyone and everyone, and that you'll always be so passionate about all of your interests as you are right now.

Five years ago today you changed my life forever, and I'll always remember that day as one of the two most wonderful days of my life (the other one was last May when your sister was born!).  I love you, sweet girl, and I'm so, so thankful that I get to be your Mommy.

Happy Fifth Birthday!
Love,
Mommy