on being a mother

What a difference a year makes...

(37 weeks today...full term!)

This is what I was thinking last year on Mother's Day.  It's been a looooooooooong year since then, and I'm so glad not to be in that place anymore.

This year I have much happier, hopeful thoughts in my mind, but I can't stop thinking about last mother's day, and how hard it was.  And how hard I know it is for so many women because of loss or infertility or heartache of some sort.   And  really, I don't want to forget, because I always want to be sensitive to those I know in those situations.

I've spent the last month or so really trying to enjoy and make the most of each minute I have alone with Rachel before the baby comes.

Even though I'm usually tired and often don't want to, when she asks to play a game or color with me, or whatever, I try to comply, because I know that a month from now when she asks, it'll be a lot harder to say yes. 

And I'm almost always rewarded for making the sacrifice, as I hear, "This is so fun, Mommy, playing games with you," or whatever it is we've been doing together.  I hope that I'm making memories with her that she'll happily remember.

Yesterday morning we made pizza dough and then banana bread together (I've been trying to fill the freezer with meals and food, preparing for after the birth).  She had a great time, and though it slows things down to have her "help" me, I keep reminding myself that it's the memories that matter, not just that I got it done. 

I've also been trying to focus on the enjoyable parts of pregnancy (at this stage, they're hard to come by, but it really does help improve my mood when I focus on them!).  I know it is a gift to have this little girl growing inside me, and I don't want to lose sight of that in my discomfort and difficulty.  I know that this is very likely the last time I'll experience pregnancy, and though I don't really enjoy being pregnant (I'm envious of women who do!), there are definitely things I'll miss about it, so I want to enjoy them now, while I can.  I know the thing I'll miss the most is feeling her move inside of me.  Ever since the first movement back in December, and the immense joy it brought, after feeling no life for so long, each movement has been a wonderful reminder that she's alive, healthy, and growing.  Now that the movements are forceful, uncomfortable, and often annoying, I still love knowing that she's alive, healthy, and growing!  

(Oh, and I also know I'll miss being able to eat ice cream whenever I want!  After this baby comes I'll have to start paying more attention to what I eat and ice cream certainly won't be on the list of what I should be eating very often!)

I'm kind of rambling, and don't know if I really have a point, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a mother (pregnant or not) is hard, and sometimes it's easy to get frustrated by all of the sacrifices I have to make, but when I choose to focus on the positive, instead of the negative, I realize that the sacrifices are so worth it. 

Happy Mothers' Day.