freedom and tears

In a strange turn of events, I ended up childless today. Here's what happened: My mom came down yesterday to babysit while I taught my first scrapbook class (more on that later). She spent the night in order to babysit again this morning while I taught my class. So last night my husband and I went out for a little bit since we had the chance for a date. We got ice cream and went to Barnes and Noble, which used to be a favorite inexpensive hangout of ours. Now we hardly ever get to go there, because who wants to go to a bookstore with a two year old trying to pull the books off the shelves?

So while we were out and enjoying our freedom my husband said, jokingly, "Maybe your mom could take R home with her tomorrow!" See, we're headed up to her house tomorrow evening because we're leaving Friday morning on the train for our long weekend in Chicago. She and my dad are keeping R. If she took her up today when she left, she could leave at naptime, a quiet trip int he car, and that would save us from having to drive her up in the late afternoon when she's at her fussiest. But this was said as a joke. We weren't expecting it to happen.

This morning I told my mom what he had said, also jokingly. She answered, "Well, I had already thought about that." The more we talked about it, the more it seemed like a good idea--if she went up today I would have more time to pack and get ready for the trip. It didn't hit me until I put R's suitcase in the car and my mom was putting R's shoes and socks back on to get ready to go. I started tearing up. It's been almost a year since the last time we left her. It was awful then, and it was awful now, saying goodbye.

But after a few tears and then getting busy with all that I have to do, I realized how freeing it is to have this break. I went out and about running errands and so forth and didn't have to worry about a fussy girl needing a diaper, snack, or entertainment. I could stay out as long as I needed to. It's hard to remember when life was always like this! I don't long for those days at all--I adore my girl and being her mom, but every once in awhile it's nice to get a glimpse of the freedom again.

So tomorrow I have another day of freedom and after my husband gets off work we'll drive up to my parents' to see our sweet girl again, just before she's due to go to bed. We'll leave before dawn the next day on the train for Chicago. I'll have my computer there, but don't know how much time I'll take to do any posting. We'll see.