the other side of the coin

I usually write about the cute or funny things she does and the happy parts of motherhood. Today I don't feel like writing those things. Just like no one ever seems to tell you how hard marriage is and that it's not all hearts, romance, and happily ever after, you often don't hear about the rough spots of motherhood, either, so I think I'm going to share some tales from the other side....the not so pleasant stuff, just so you know that my life isn't all a bowl of cherries. I'm not sure I want to do this, but I suppose I want this to be real and authentic and not just the happy stuff, so I'll give it a try.

All I've ever wanted is to be a stay at home mom. We waited so long to have children so we could prepare financially for that to happen. But it's far from the perfect job that I always thought it would be. My biggest struggle? It's lonely and isolating. Especially when your husband's gone most of the week and you have no one else to talk to but a 13 month old, who basically understands, "NO!" "Don't Touch!" "toys," and "Want to go outside?" This week I hardly saw my husband at all, and most of the time, when we saw each other, we were too exhausted to have much of a conversation. He was really busy with work and now he's gone on a campout with middle schoolers from church. When he's gone so much that means I have more work taking care of you know who, so we're both more worn out. Grandma was here this week for a day and a half, so that helped a lot, but the other days have been hard.

Yes, it's lonely. My friends almost all work. I always had pictures of going to parks, meeting for lunch, etc. etc....I don't think I've ever met anyone for lunch in the last 13 months (once for breakfast, though), and I've met a friend at a park only a couple of times. It's just so hard to make schedules mesh--naps, meals, etc. Everyone is on a different schedule. It's a huge ordeal to go ANYWHERE with everything you have to take with you. And when something is planned, something almost always gets in the way--usually sickness. I can't tell you how many times that has happened to us in the last year--either I'm sick, she's sick, or whatever friend I meet or her child is sick!

In addition to being lonely, it can be rather monotonous. The same toys, the same games, the same chores (if I actually work up enough motivation to clean), the same TV shows (she watches "Baby Mozart" over and over and over and over and over.....I know every song by heart and what comes next, and could probably reinact the whole DVD for her!--"Why don't you put something else in?" I hear you asking. Well, I've tried, trust me. Nothing else calms her down and keeps her interest like this one does, so I keep using it...only when she's fussy and nothing's making her happy. It works like a charm.)

When spring came it got a little better. We started spending more time outside and there were new things to do. But even now that is getting dull--she walks around and picks up sticks and stones, while I follow her saying, "Don't eat that! Yucky!" and pull everything out of her mouth. I push her on the swing. I blow bubbles and she chews on the extra wand. We go for a walk around the neighborhood. That's the extent of our outdoor activities.

I find myself looking forward to the days of play doh, crayons, finger paint, tape, stickers, dress up, making tents, playing with dolls, and so forth. I guess there just aren't a lot of things to hold her interest right now, and it's frustrating. I can only chase her with the toy vacuum for so long (I got that at a garage sale last weekend--it's her new favorite game. She doesn't want to play with it herself, but she brings it to me over and over and has me chase her).

I don't want to keep complaining. I guess I've just had a long couple of days and I needed to vent. It's been cold and dreary out and the last few days and we haven't gotten out much. I really do love staying home and wouldn't want it any other way. It just has its ups and downs, just like any job, I suppose.

So here are the ups....just to remind myself!
--her huge smiles when I get her up from bed
--her big, wet, whole mouth kisses
--her little dances she does whenever she hears music
--when she plays peekaboo with me while she lays on the changing table and pulls her pants over her face
--the way she tries to move her fingers to "Itsy Bitsy Spider" whenever I start singing it
--the way she goes right to her highchair whenever I say, "Are you hungry?"
--her new trick of sticking her tongue out and feeling it
--watching her giggle when she sees herself in the mirror
--her belly laugh when she gets tickled
--holding her and giving her her bottle in the morning when she wakes up and she's still a little bit sleepy and wants to linger on my lap (the only time of day she's ever a tiny bit snuggly)

Okay, it's making me cry (joyfully) to think about all of these....and I could come up with so many more. She's so sweet. I guess I can't stay on the other side of the coin for long!